Sunday, November 2, 2014

Getting it all out.

         If you could go back in time to change one thing, what would it be? Would you right a wrong? Make more time for the ones you love? Choose a different career path? If there was only 1 thing, what would it be? 

        It's only human to make mistakes, but what if you never learned from them? The definition of insanity is when you keep doing the same thing over and over again, and yet you expect different results, right?  This has been my life for the past 6 years. 

       Six years ago, I gave my heart to someone who in turn destroyed it. Someone who broke my heart in a way that no one else ever had.  Still, I managed to pick my heart up, dust it off and say "I know you hurt me, but I forgive you.".  The damage was done, and the only thing I wanted to do at that point was not hurt anymore.  I've always been pretty resilient, so I bounced back as best as I could, and I tried to move on with life.   I then found out, that things were worse than I thought. Again, I chose to still forgive for the past mistake.  8 months later, I once again find out it was even worse than that. STILL, my heart said "ok. I promised to forgive. I will honor my promise.". 

    For 4 years, I faced rejection from the one I loved. I was annoying. I wasn't attractive enough, I didn't clean enough, I didn't do enough around the house. Plain and simple, I wasn't enough.  

    For 4 years, I fought to be the wife I knew I could be. The wife I thought he wanted. Always getting frustrated when nothing was making him happy. I walked on egg shells in fear that the slightest thing would annoy him, and that would start another fight. I would bake him goodies because I knew he liked it. I would take goodies to him at work, but that just made him mad. I would ask him what he wanted for dinner, trying to give him an option. To him that meant I couldn't make decisions on my own. My heart was breaking, and I would cry a lot. Which meant I was too emotional. I would sleep too much (Narcolepsy), so that meant I was lazy. I started having breathing problems, and my Dr. requested he stayed home for a week to help me. That meant I was hindering him from doing his job. I could do nothing right, but I stayed loyal. 

    For the past year, he has been doing (nearly) everything he needs to do to show me that he is sincere. Whatever I ask, he usually does. When I have a bad day, he will bring me wine, and sometimes chocolate. When I am in pain, he rubs my back and holds me. For once, he holds me when I cry! When I get sick, he takes over. He will cook, and clean until I get better. When I need him for a Dr. appointment, he's there. When I had surgery, he was there. I don't remember much from recovery, but I do remember I wanted to see him. When I woke up I remembered he was taking the kids to his friend to watch them so he could come be with me, but they rushed me into surgery before he could even get there. He wanted to be there so he could hold my hand before they took me back, but he didn't get that chance and he looked so scared when they wheeled me out from recovery. After that, he was right there by my bedside ALL night long. Any beep, and he was awake. He was there asking if I needed more pain medicine, or if I needed something to eat, or something to drink. I remember feeling so in love with him at that moment. Knowing I made the right choice when I decided to forgive. I was so proud of how far we had come!

                                                           .....Or so I thought........

    Here I am 6 years into our relationship, and his loyalty is nowhere to be found. You see, apparently I haven't known him long enough to earn that. Apparently we haven't been through enough for me to earn that. Apparently, loyalty is meant only for those who were in his life before me. Loyalty is meant only for those who make me uncomfortable. Apparently, waiting for him to come home from deployments, schools, or work trips means nothing. Apparently, taking care of the kids, and the house, and making sure all the bills are paid on time means nothing. Apparently, the way I have stuck by his side through everything means nothing. So, once again, I'm not enough. Why? I don't know. I will probably never know.  

    I continue to let him hurt me, and I honestly don't know why. How do you stop loving someone when you've loved them this long? How do you make the decision to break your own heart? How do you make the decision to break the hearts of your children who are innocent bystanders in this whole thing? How do you quit on the one thing that you have made you whole life. The one thing you have wanted since you were a child. 

    If I could go back in time, there's many things I would change. One of them being how easily I trusted him with my heart. I wouldn't change how hard I fought, and I wouldn't change how I chose to love unconditionally.  In a perfect world, people would treat each other right, and we would all live happily ever after. But, there's no such thing as a perfect world, and I'm starting to think there's no "Happily Ever After" either. 

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